


Oh, My Head's To Blame

by suchanoldcliche



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Based on RP, BlackStar - Freeform, Multi, dying!Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-24
Updated: 2014-06-24
Packaged: 2018-02-06 00:45:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1838182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suchanoldcliche/pseuds/suchanoldcliche
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve had always been humble. Strong-willed. That was one thing that would not -- could not -- change about him. When Erskine had told him to stay who he was, Steve hadn't known what exactly to make of it, but he promised. He couldn't imagine at that point in his life that he'd ever be anyone /but/ who he was.</p><p>That is, until the effects of the serum began to reverse on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Oh, My Head's To Blame

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to even try to explain the storyline this fic is based off of, but this is written as a gift for one of the girls I write with on Twitter. She's amazing, and her character is one of my absolute favorites. The only thing you'll need to know before reading this is that the effects of the Super Soldier Serum have been reversed. The when and why about that is irrelevant, so I won't bore you with details. Enjoy!~ :3

In 1942, when Steve Rogers was still the five-foot-nothing, asthmatic, scrawny little man that bigger guys liked to beat up in alleyways, all he wanted was to be a soldier. To fight in the war the same way all of the other able-bodied men could. He wanted the chance to give back, to lay his life on the line just like all of the others did, and he was given that chance by a man named Abraham Erskine. German scientist. He'd made some mistakes, decided to hide away in Brooklyn to continue his research in peace, but their paths had crossed at Stark Expo, and weeks later, Steve Rogers had become Captain America.

What Steve remembered the most about the kind older man was not what he did for him, but what he'd said the night before everything changed.

_"Whatever happens, you must promise me one thing -- that you will stay who you are. Not a perfect soldier, but a good man."_

Steve had always been humble. Strong-willed. That was one thing that would not -- could not -- change about him. When Erskine had told him to stay who he was, Steve hadn't known what exactly to make of it, but he promised. He couldn't imagine at that point in his life that he'd ever be anyone _but_ who he was.

That is, until the effects of the serum began to reverse on him. The day he collapsed in the safe house, the day he almost died because his lungs wouldn't work, he felt himself starting to slip away. It was hardly noticeable at first, just a few things here and there that felt off, but then it was more obvious. He was growing a little angrier. A little more introverted. He shut Natasha out, started treating Lily differently, and for a while, he couldn't understand why. Why was he suddenly holing himself away in his room so often? Why did he find it so difficult to carry on casual conversations with the girl he'd taken from home and risked his life for? Was it because it felt like she wasn't grateful most days that he'd saved her? That he was sacrificing everything to keep her alive?

Maybe.

Just over thirty days had passed between his decision to leave the safe house and now, and, upon returning, he'd learned that Lilith had started seeing someone. Not just _anyone_ , either. No. Bucky Barnes.

Of course.

It was morning, the day after he'd returned home (well, if you could call a safe house _home_ ), and Steve laid on the office couch after having spent the night there. He hadn't meant to -- he'd just come in here for a few things and then he was going to disappear into his room for the rest of the evening -- but he'd been surprised by an enraged Bucky standing in the doorway. Bucky was angry and confused -- he didn't understand why Steve had 'told Lilith to break it off.' Steve argued back that he'd never said for her to do that. In fact, it offended him to think that his best friend (whom he hadn't seen in seventy years until then -- and what a reunion it was turning into) would assume the worst of him like that.

But there were more deeply rooted issues there than just Bucky being upset about his girlfriend breaking up with him, and a couple of heated exchanges later, the truth finally came out. After so many years of dancing around the topic, of avoiding admitting that he felt anything, one thing had led to another -- bitter, angry words turned to a desperate, hungry embrace -- and Steve finally learned what it was like to experience what all of those women who fawned over Bucky in the '40s had. He'd imagined it for so long that finally, _finally_ knowing what it was like made him feel like he could fly.

Unfortunately, sooner or later, those that fly need to come down from the clouds.

By the time the sun was up, Bucky had long since gone, and Steve was alone, trying to wade through all of his trumpeting, noisy thoughts. It wasn't working so well, so he got off the couch and padded across the floor to where his sketch pad was on the desk. He'd forgotten it was there, so the sight of it made him smile just a little. In fact, it gave him an idea.

He needed to make this right with Lily. With less than a week before he was meant to... Well. He didn't want her last memories of him to be him yelling at her for something he should have done a better job of hiding.

Steve left one drawing beside her bed and one outside her door, on a table across the hall. He then went into the gym and got to work on a third, smiling to himself as he waited for his friend to follow the makeshift trail from her room to the gym. He wasn't entirely sure what he'd say when she got there, but he knew he had to apologise. Apologise and take whatever it was she had to say to him. He probably deserved it, after all -- the last time they'd really spoken, he'd suddenly kissed her, and then he disappeared for over a month.

What a mess.

When she entered the room a little while later, Steve's smile broadened, but he didn't look up from his pad. He said something, beckoning her to come closer, and then he gave her the third drawing. This one was important to him; it was a landscape -- one of grass and thin, dying trees -- but the tree that the drawing focused on was still standing. It didn't appear to be alive anymore, but it hadn't toppled over yet. Its roots were strong enough to remain upright. Tall. Strong, even with the forces of nature against it.

He hoped it sent her a message. He hoped she realised that, although he was going to die, he wouldn't be broken. He'd have sacrificed his life for someone he believed in. For someone who meant just as much as Phil Coulson did -- a man he still wished he could have gotten to know better. Someone who meant nearly as much as Bucky.

Someone who deserved a second chance at life.

Ever since Steve was a child, he'd been a firm believer in standing your ground and fighting for what's right. It had gotten him into countless situations where he wouldn't have made it out intact without the help of Bucky, the Howling Commandos, or the Avengers. He was stubborn in the sense that, if he felt he was doing the right thing, he refused to budge. He believed in Lilith. He believed that there was darkness in her, yes, but that she strived to be in the light, and that's all he cared about.

To Steve, Lilith Lokidottir was a beautiful young woman (demigod?) who'd had far too many people give up on her. Her self-esteem was crushed, virtually nonexistent, because she'd been misunderstood for so long. Abused. Forgotten. But she was so much stronger than she realised. Steve could see not only vast amounts of potential in her, but he could see her heart. Her spirit. And he knew -- he _knew_ \-- that she'd be great someday, if only she could believe that about herself.

No matter what it took, he was determined to get her to see that she was worth more than she knew. Steve might have lost himself there for a while, but he'd remembered who he was. He remembered because Bucky showed him. Forced him to face his fears and come to terms with his fate. Steve couldn't run from it forever, and if he was going to die within a week, he needed to make the most of the time he had left. He couldn't sit there and worry about everything he'd worried about up to that point. If he felt something for someone, he had to show it.

It was now or never.

The clock was ticking.

If this was going to bring about a fight, he'd stand there and take it. If she never wanted to see him again, he'd let her walk out of the base and not look back. But the one thing that Lily _couldn't_ do?

She couldn't stop Steve from sacrificing everything for her. He would do it a dozen times over if it meant saving the life of someone he loves.

Because he did. Whether he'd said it out loud or not, Steve loved Lilith.

And he would until his dying breath.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow @LokisAngelChild and @On_YourLeft on Twitter to see what happens next!~ :D


End file.
